Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
