how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
