my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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