If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
