ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
