normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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