a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
