Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
