Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize