Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
