Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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