There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
