either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
