so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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