i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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