Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
