i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
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You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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