My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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