He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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