Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
