I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
