So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
