shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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