I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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