She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
