you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
