Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
