my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
