Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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