just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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