Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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