the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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