just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
