Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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