Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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