i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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