When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
