He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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