I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
