I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the condom got lost in my hair
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
