Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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