paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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