Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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