She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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