Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
even my farts smell like vagina
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you never un-have a 4some
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
