I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
