is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
