Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
