The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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