A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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