i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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