you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
