i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
only you would photoshop your dick
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
