i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
