Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
