TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
