Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my being single is dangerous.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
