i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
