Cold hands, warm shart.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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