they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
