You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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