when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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